In That Case

I'm going to take a few moments to talk about cases. Cases are containers for objects, usually specific objects, and frequently resemble a kindergartener's 3-dimensional sculptural rendition of that specific object, and are colored black. Suitcases are boxy, like heavily shoulderpadded, super-professional looking business attire. Violin cases are the picasso-like shadow of the instrument itself, or else the fully-automatic firearm within. Stair Cases are shaped exactly like stairs (infact, I can't tell the difference between the two). Court cases are full of holes and knots, yet still manage to sustain the impression of a real, physical situation. They are very black indeed.

Upper cases, as in A and not a, are certainly physically Taller than their Lower case counterparts, and incase you don't know where those terms come from, I'll tell you, because I've learned it twice in my life: once from dear Dr. Fischer, the most incredible pedagogical master I have ever met, and once from that old and foresaken Gutenburg Museum in Mainz, where there were diaramas set up EVERYWHERE (which I liked). It's quite simple: the Upper Case was where the larger stamps (A B C) for the overbearing, old-fashioned printing presses were stored, and the Lower Case was where the smaller stamps (a b c) were kept. Whenever the printer needed a letter, he would pull the drawer in which that character was to be found from the Great Case and afix it accordingly. You see, it's a very real sort of a case, not just a hoity toity ploy to make people think perplexedly about the social class system of the world (particularly Victorian England), heirarchy in general, and all linguistic representations associated.

In the philosphy of logic, one must frequently consider many different Cases in order to prove that something is always, sometimes, or never true. These are not violin cases, or even glasses cases. These are conceptual roads to venture down, such as Positiverealnumber Street, Negativerealnumber Avenue, and Zero Road. Still though, they are just like the aforementioned boxes, confining the traveling philosopher to existence in one place at a single moment. That's what cases do. Confine. Protect even, by keeping things clear, simple, and in their place.

There are also cases in language, and I don't mean the ol' speaker-verb matching game with our friends I, You, He, They (or Yo, Tu, El, Ellos, whatever your language is); those are called something else, though our brain probably processes them as the sort of case mentioned in the previous paragraph, aka If/Then statements. If 'Yo', then 'tengo'. If 'Tu', then 'tienes'. And so on. No, a 'case' in grammar refers to the subject vs. the direct object vs. the indirect object, and the 4 most common cases in any language are the Nominative case, the Accusative case, the Dative case and the Genitive case. In English, these cases are really only applicable (eg make a change; they are always THERE, but usually invisible (like Radon)) in our use of pronouns, as far as I can see. That is, I or you or he or we are Nominative pronouns, used in referring to the subject of the sentence; me, you, him or us are Accusative, used to refer to the direct object; and my, yours, his, or ours are Dative, used to indicate possession. It's not really very confusing in English, although I know I still occasionally struggle with when to use 'Father and I' or 'Father and me' or other such unimportant clauses. German, however is a different story, and if you want to learn German, or any German-based language (as well as many other languages in the world), it is a little bit important to understand what the hell these things are. I say a little bit important, because I believe that by far the BEST way to learn language is the way children do: listen to it, get comfortable with it, use it, take chances with it, and the grammar will come when it needs to, intuitively, based on your models.

Nevertheless. I am so ANNOYED with these cases that I feel the need to understand them so that I can hate them validly, rather than with ignorance. I think that it's okay to have enemies in the world, as long as they are grammar-based.

In German, when dealing with each of the cases, (and by the way, an example of the Genitive case is 'Survival of the Fittest,' or 'the book of David.' It makes the direct object and the subject swap identities, I think.) it is customary to not only alter your pronoun (der, die, das, den, dem, etc. etc. etc.), as we do in English. No, it doesn't stop there. Depending on the case (and gender of the noun), one must also use a differently spelled Adjective, and frequently a differently spelled noun. That means that in addition to remembering that a Chair is masculine, Math is feminine, and Peppermint is gender-neutral, you must also be aware of which case each part of your sentence takes, and alter the words accordingly.

An example might be helpful. Consider the following sentence: The beautiful woman drinks cold coffee with the large man. The beautiful woman is the subject here, so we can determine that her gender is feminine (though it seems that linguistic gender is not always based on physical gender, so beware), and use the pronoun 'Die.' Now we must make sure the adjective, Beautiful, agrees with that pronoun and the noun itself, which in this case (feminine, singular, nominative), the adjective ends with an 'e': 'schöne.' Frau happens to be an unchangeable noun, I do believe. So this clause is: Die schöne Frau.

Cold Coffee is the direct object of the sentence, so we will use the accusative case. Coffee, we first find, is masculine, so we'll use 'den.' If it were accusative, it would be 'der,' but it's not. If it were dative, it would be 'dem,' but it's not. That means our adjective will end in 'en.' 'den kalten Kaffee.'

The large man is the indirect object of the sentence, so we must use Dative case. The man is masculine, of course, so his pronoun (in dative) is 'dem', and the adjective will end with 'en.' 'dem grossen Mann.' The whole sentence thus becomes: Die schöne Frau trinkt den kalten Kaffee, mit dem grossen Mann. I think. You may even have to change the order of the words and clauses, but Lord knows. Argh! Everything is so frustratingly over analyzed! For your information, it is actually a completely different excercise to SPEAK German rather than write it, because in speaking, one can simply slur and mumble the ends of the words and it don't make a licka diff'rence; they know what you mean.

But the more conceptual cases are really just like the physical sorts, if you think about it. They are like boxes of tools to use: the nominative tools, the non-negative number tools, et cetera. Tools and rules. I like the phrase 'let your tools do the work for you.'

Which reminds me....

Here's is how I skirt the issue:

There is a suffix in German, '-chen.' This suffix makes any noun into a small one. A Hund is a dog, a Hundchen is a small dog. A Mann is a Man, a Männchen is a small man. An additional effect of this suffix is that it always causes the verb to be gender-neutral, so you can see the trouble it saves to simply always talk small. It's a great way to not get overwhelmed with the storms of memorization that comes with learning German, at least in the beginning, but probably no German teacher would ever advocate this. However, I do. There are probably other suffixes that consistently change nouns into masculine or feminine words. I have yet to find them, but if you know of any, do let me know.

So children, I conclude my section on Cases. Cases are great when you use them to your benefit, but they can kill you or harm you severly if you let them. Just remember the St. Valentines Day massacre, all those mobsters 'playing their violins.' Yes, they can indeed be tricky, unwieldy, or even sinfully rotten, but if you learn to handle it wisely, a case will be your best friend.